Three Months:)

My boyfriend is very kind to me. He cooks for me, he speaks to my heart when I am sad  and brings me on great dates.

Some of my favorite dates were things like the aquarium, looking at pet stores and going to an arcade. We have won unicorn flags and toy dinosaurs. We have hiked to waterfalls and played with baby turtles. We make pies and go grocery shopping.

He is great. He lets me be myself and I never have to worry about him getting mad at me. We are an amazing match and I think we keep each other on our toes. 

Every Sunday we have dinner with his parents and today is our 3 month anniversary so we celebrated last night. 

We had an indoor picnic. First we moved some furniture and spread out a Utes blanket. He brought out a picnic-like basket and set two wine glasses on top. The lights were off and the glow of the Christmas tree was behind him....we had two cinnamon candles so we could see each other. We drank our sparkling white grape juice and ate our hot dogs and cheeto puffs. 

(Another thing I like about him, he goes along with whatever I'm in the mood for...including hot dogs and cheetos for a romantic dinner)

After we ate and drank we exchanged gifts. He gave me the flower nose rings that I've had my eye on for awhile. It was the most romantic date I've ever been on:)

I have the best boyfriend ever. Here's to another three months!

I don't know.

Those three words have helped me out a lot.

Ever since I moved out, I've been struggling. Emotionally. As previously mentioned, I have depression. It's not that I'm super sad, it is just being overwhelmed with emotion. My doctor explained it to me by letting me know that normal bodies regularly produce seratonin. I don't know how to spell it but that is what makes you feel emotions. My body produces way too much and overloads me with emotion. For no reason. So I'm on some pills that regulate my seratonin intake.

Going on...I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm taking my pills but I'm a woman, so I am still very emotional. I cry way too much, especially when I have to talk about my feelings. I'm dating a man who is very good for me and has me express myself instead of stuffing everything inside. I appreciate him greatly.

As hard as it is, I'm glad that I'm learning to share my emotions.

Going along with the blog title, I thought I should share what I've learned. Being on my own is a lot harder than I thought. It's not that I didn't think for myself when I was living with my parents, but I have to think through everything alone now. I don't have anything planned out for me, everything is my decision.

I don't always make the best decisions but I'm trying. I actually like myself for the first time in a very long time so I'd like to think I'm doing alright.

There are some things I have not decided yet. And when people ask me about those things, I've learned that I'm allowed to say, "I don't know."

It's okay to not know everything...and it's okay to be me.

Ups and Downs

Life is much different out on your own. I know I've been on my own for more than a year now, but it hasn't hit me until this summer.

Living with Tara, I didn't have many responsibilities. It was much like living at home. I only had one bill, I lived with my boys and my aunt and uncle.

Ever since I was 15, my goal has been to get back to this neighborhood. Well, I'm back and more confused than ever.

I'm walking blindly through a forest called life and it's getting very overwhelming.

Bills suck.

Boys suck.

Like I said on facebook...I wish I could fast forward my life to where I know what I'm doing and I'm settled down.

I know I've always been against marriage but I think I've changed my mind. I want someone who will take care of me. I want someone I can take care of. I want to cook dinner for my husband and I want to be a stay at home mom.

There are good things in my life.

I have a few awesome friends. I've been cutting people out because I'm tired of people who make me feel like I'm not worth anything. So I'm happy with who I have right now. I've surrounded myself with people who love me and treat me like I matter.

I have an amazing family who is always there for me. My sisters rock. My parents rock. My extended family rocks.

I don't know what's going on in my head anymore....

I'm Coming Home

That's right! I'm moving back to Taylorsville!!!

All of me is jumping for joy right now:)

I've been waiting for this day since...well since the day I left. I have lived in about a bajillion places, and for some reason, Taylorsville is my home. Would you like to know why? It's this little thing called: The Bennion 19th Ward.

They are the greatest group of people in the whole world and I mean that. There are fantastic people everywhere I've lived but I'm telling you, Bennion 19th Ward...they have my heart and they will forever.

It feels unreal that I'm actually going back there. I've been so jealous of Kim for making it back...and now I get to go back. With both of my big sisters:)

Life is good.

Help.

I know it's been awhile since I've blogged, but I just haven't felt the need to. Everything going on in my life is on Facebook; I post everything as its happening...but what I'm blogging about today I don't need everyone on Facebook to know.

A few months ago I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with severe depression. I take a pill every morning but I'm not too sure if it's doing anything or not.

I don't want to be a whiny baby but I can't keep this inside anymore.

I'm tired of crying.

Last night a friend called me to talk..he told me something that really hit me hard. All he said was "You're worth a lot." Or something like that. Normal people don't feel less than worthless. What's wrong with me?

It's not that I cry all the time, there are moments that I'm happy. I just feel completely hopeless. About everything.

My job is going nowhere. My savings is disappearing. I'm never going to get my car back. I can't even afford the gas to get to my job everyday. I have like two real friends. I have no money. I can't see anything to look forward to.

I'm not going to end my life or anything, I'm just forcing myself to live each day.

I've been trying to focus on the little things that make me happy, like my cousins' smiles or my friend giving me a teddy bear, or my mom sending me a package, or my sister helping me out when I know she's barely getting by....

and here I am crying again. It's pathetic and I know it. But I don't know how to fix it.

I've been working on eating healthier and I think it's helping me feel a little better. Brittany helped me grocery shop and now I'm eating sandwiches and salad instead of hamburgers and chicken nuggets.

I'm not sure what this post is about, maybe I'm just clearing my head.

I really appreciate my family and friends who have been helping me and offering help through everything that's going on lately. You're helping me so much more than you could ever know. I think I have to help myself now...

Where to start?