I know it's been awhile since I've blogged, but I just haven't felt the need to. Everything going on in my life is on Facebook; I post everything as its happening...but what I'm blogging about today I don't need everyone on Facebook to know.
A few months ago I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with severe depression. I take a pill every morning but I'm not too sure if it's doing anything or not.
I don't want to be a whiny baby but I can't keep this inside anymore.
I'm tired of crying.
Last night a friend called me to talk..he told me something that really hit me hard. All he said was "You're worth a lot." Or something like that. Normal people don't feel less than worthless. What's wrong with me?
It's not that I cry all the time, there are moments that I'm happy. I just feel completely hopeless. About everything.
My job is going nowhere. My savings is disappearing. I'm never going to get my car back. I can't even afford the gas to get to my job everyday. I have like two real friends. I have no money. I can't see anything to look forward to.
I'm not going to end my life or anything, I'm just forcing myself to live each day.
I've been trying to focus on the little things that make me happy, like my cousins' smiles or my friend giving me a teddy bear, or my mom sending me a package, or my sister helping me out when I know she's barely getting by....
and here I am crying again. It's pathetic and I know it. But I don't know how to fix it.
I've been working on eating healthier and I think it's helping me feel a little better. Brittany helped me grocery shop and now I'm eating sandwiches and salad instead of hamburgers and chicken nuggets.
I'm not sure what this post is about, maybe I'm just clearing my head.
I really appreciate my family and friends who have been helping me and offering help through everything that's going on lately. You're helping me so much more than you could ever know. I think I have to help myself now...
Where to start?
2 comments:
it's hard going from: knowing exactly what you're supposed to be doing and having people tell you what they want from you to: making your own schedule and not knowing how to measure yourself. you don't have to have it figured out all at once. it's okay to feel a little depressed. it's not okay to BE depressed and do nothing. just don't beat yourself up about it and if the pills are the only thing not working - there are SOO many others to try. there's always dark chocolate and exercise and if you get too frustrated and need to burn some energy rich can take you shooting.
here is the checklist in written form instead of me just saying it over the phone:
1 - start applying for a different job...i know that job hunt process isn't fun, but you need to find a different job...one that actually pays you for when you are at work. if you want me to look online and send you links, i will. let me know.
2 - reactivate your status at weber. then, sign up for some classes...at least part-time. they don't need to be paid until august. we can fill out a fafsa. you have an offer for help from two fantastic people. get some classes going...it'll give you a bit more direction...if you want my help in picking out some classes, let me know...if you are lost about what to do, make an appointment with the academic advising office, that's where i used to work, that's what they do.
3 - go to church. period.
4 - keep taking your pills.
5 - continue eating better...make sure you're getting some physical movement in your life.
6 - trust your friends.
7 - remember your triangle...you have to take care of the sides: physical, mental and spiritual. if one of the sides is lacking, then you're out of balance...and that's no good.
8 - make sure you're getting enough sleep.
9 - the car isn't going anywhere...it's okay. be grateful you have some savings and just be careful when you're dipping into it.
10 - you are worth everything.
period.
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