Cutting the Cord

Today I realized that I need to cut the cord. So Mom, here it is: it's cut.

Emmitt and I decided to watch a scary movie in honor of Halloween. Nothing good was on tv so we looked on netflix under "Halloween Favorites." Most things looked too demonic or probably gross so we decided on some Korean film. During a silent part, there were a lot of silent parts, we tried to figure out what we did last year. Suddenly, it hit me. Let's check my mom's blog, maybe she posted what we were up to!

Rewind to October 2011 on my mom's blog....nothing. There were actually a lot of things, and most of them funny. There were even things about me and Emmitt, but not what I was looking for. We have no idea what we did last year for Halloween. But now we'll know what we did this year!

Even when my mom is clear on the other side of the country and I'm still relying on her to tell me what I did a year ago. This post is mostly for my future self because I forget things easily.

Future Jaycey, Here is what was happening in your life in October 2012: You got hired on directly with UPS at the beginning of September and just started your first week as a new billing agent.

BREAKING NEWS: I just had an idea. Facebook keeps track of what I do! I went back to October 2011 on my profile....the wait is over. I know what I did last Halloween. It was a Sunday, so I was at dinner at the Despain household. The Friday before, we went to a party with Emmitt's sister and on Saturday we went to a party at Emmitt's friend's house. You may now sleep easy tonight.

Back to educating myself, but now I'll stop typing to myself.

Most people who read this also see my updates on facebook so I'll do a quick recap. Emmitt and I bought a car and it is absolutely wonderful. We're still together, not engaged, not pregnant, and very happy. I will not speak for him but it is in the works to get married and have babies. When the time is right. We don't feel the need to rush things and I like that.

I have a hard time some days because I am impatient, but Emmitt is great at bringing out the best in me and he helps me be patient. We've been right on with timing so far so I trust him. I tend to pull him along a bit and he helps me slow down. We balance everything out and I'm very lucky to have him.

I won't get into anything too personal but he has helped me through a lot. I know he is my soulmate and we will be together forever. He is the best friend I have ever had and I am blown away daily at his decision to be with me. The other day, Pinterest told me it is a nice thing to buy tickets for something your significant other loves. So I asked the internet what concerts are coming to SLC and they found a NOFX concert for me! I quick checked a few things around the house just to be safe and then bought tickets and ordered t-shirts.

The concert is in December so it made perfect sense for a Christmas present! Last year, I went a lot overboard so I figured this is enough for a happy Emmitt. Now the hard part, keeping my mouth shut. Turns out I didn't have to keep my mouth shut for long because that night Emmitt asked me if I wanted to go to the concert so I had to tell him so he didn't buy tickets too. I didn't even know he knew they were coming to town! So I did good.:)

Emmitt and I are often on the same wavelength. Like the last time he went fishing I asked him about a fish he caught and asked if he caught one named Fred. Turns out, while he was cleaning the fish, one tried to jump away and he called it Fred! Weird.

The other night I had a dream that our apartment was robbed but I couldn't figure out what was missing. The next day we found out that the shared laundry room was broken into and someone stole all the quarters from the dryer! So maybe I have premonitions. That could be useful.

Well, Emmitt and I need to paint our costumes so we have something to wear to a party on Saturday. Happy Halloween!

Birthday Blues

First ever birthday without my mom. It's weird. I've been moved out for more than two years and I still feel emotionally dependent on my mom.

Today is getting me prepared for some huge changes and I don't think I like that. It hit me last night. I don't get Thanksgiving with my mom. I don't get Christmas with my mom.

Chances are, my mom won't be able to see my engagement ring until the wedding. (No, I'm not engaged...just saying.)

I've been looking forward to this birthday because as of 5:07 this morning...I'm no longer a teenager. I love that, but nothing has really changed.

I still feel like a stupid kid.

My family is starting to move apart..physical distance for some...emotional distance for others.

I am fiercely protective of my family but I'm not willing to be around people who do not add anything positive to my life.

That's a decision I made for myself and for the family I'm going to create with my future husband.

We don't need people in our lives who make me angry, sad or frustrated. Granted, most people will make me feel that way at one point or another, but when that's how I feel every time we interact, something needs to change.

Like I said, that was my decision. I didn't think it would be this hard. It hurts, but I need to do what's best for me.

Today isn't all bad. I had ice cream for breakfast and people brought me donuts and cupcakes at work.

I just am sad.

I miss my mom.

Politics

I'm getting very frustrated with too many people lately. I hate getting into political discussions because they never end well. I figured I could put my opinion here and that might help my frustration.

I would never get an abortion, but it's none of my business what other women do with their bodies.

I will not be marrying a woman, but if you feel like marrying someone of the same sex, that's your right.

I don't own a gun, but I want one. A lot of my family members own guns and I don't have a problem with that.

You make your own decisions and let me make mine. It's no business of yours if I want a blue door or sixty windows on my house.

If I own my own property and I decide I want to add a floor to my building, that's my decision.

The government should keep us safe, take care of public roads and provide education. That's pretty much it.

I'm probably missing a lot but what I'm tired of is everyone thinking it's the government's responsibly to take care of every individual.

If you don't work, I don't think you deserve a paycheck. If I work hard and become a millionaire why should I get taxed a higher percentage?

I'm so sick of everyone feeling entitled. Life isn't fair and it never will be. I've worked hard for the things I have and I'm proud of that.

If a business sucks and they are going out of business, it's their own fault. Chance of a monopoly or not, I don't think it's the government's job to bail them out.

I think people should go into debt for a vehicle, a house and/or an education. If you spent all your money on entertainment and now don't have enough money for groceries, that sucks.

I've been broke and hungry before. I did not get a credit card, I didn't get a loan..I lived on what I had.

I don't even know if this has anything to do with politics now, I'm just getting out frustration.

Dads should never "babysit" their own children. Have you ever heard of a mother babysitting her own children? No. It's just called being a parent.

Stop blaming the government for making you poor. Stop blaming restaurants for making you fat. Stop blaming your teachers for giving you bad grades. Stop blaming the cops for giving you speeding tickets.

Man up and take some responsibility.

I honestly don't care if you approve of my decisions. I make them for me. I spent years loathing myself while seeking approval from others and it just wasn't worth it.

Any questions about my life? Ask. I'm an honest person. There are very few subjects I'm not comfortable talking about.

Well, I'm not frustrated anymore. That's all for today.

Clarification

Dear Everyone,

I'm not angry or directing this at any one person. I keep getting asked the same questions and that's why I'd like to clear things up.

I have moved in with Emmitt. That is all. We're not secretly engaged or anything. When I am engaged, you'll know. I'll tell my immediate family first, but trust me, you'll know.

I will not speak for Emmitt but I will let you know I'm not planning an end to this relationship. Moving in was not an alternative to getting married.

We're in a great place and we're not going to rush things due to other people's preferences. I know people are just curious and they have every right to be; that is the reasoning behind this post.

I love my boyfriend, we have an amazing relationship and we're happy. That's all there is to know right now.

I'm feeling very stressed this week. Not all of it is bad stress, just stress.

I'm moving next weekend. That is exciting and I am thrilled over the moon. It's a good thing, but moving always adds stress. Especially since I'll be out of state when I'm supposed to be moving. Which brings me to my big stress, a car.

My senior year of high school, my parents bought me a car. I love that car so much. Back in like November of 2010, I broke that car. Broke it to death. I completely destroyed the engine and it took us until very recently to get a new engine.

We thought it was just take the new engine and I'd get my car back, but that is far from the case. My dad has done hours of research and even more hours of work on my precious car. It has me worried to death because now I'm sure I broke it for good.

I am a lot like my mother, I worry. I worry a lot. Ask Emmitt, he'll confirm it. I've been scared that my car wouldn't get working and in that time, I've moved on. I've been looking at used vehicles within an affordable price range. The problem is, I can't get financing.

I have never had a credit card and I will not get one. I have never had a loan either so I have zero credit. I've been with my credit union almost all of my life so I was hoping they could help me out. Even with their highest interest rate, I can afford the monthly payments and have it paid off within 36 months. BUT, I have a new job. So they can't do anything without a cosigner.

No one else will help me without a cosigner.

Unless I can give a 40% down payment.

I don't have a 40% down payment right now and I'm trying to save for something else that will be very expensive so I don't know when I'd even be able to have that. I've been losing a lot of sleep. I'm tired and stressed and I think I may be giving myself an ulcer. So that sucks.

Father's Day

Today is a...different kind of day for me because I've had a different life than most people.

I'm not saying that most people grow up with a wonderful biological father in their home but my situation is pretty unique. Before I met Doug, there were two men who I had called "Dad". I was younger and oblivious to most of what was happening around me. 

I'm pointing this out only because my post is about the difference between a father and a dad. I don't want anyone to be confused by the fact that I don't call Doug "dad" to his face. I refer to him as my dad to others, but I think he deserves much more than the same name I used for two not so great men. That's all I'll say about that.

I know I had to wait 12 years for my dad, but it was well worth the wait. Doug is the peanut butter to my jelly. It is weird how alike we are. I know I'm not biologically his but I am spiritually his. He accepted me from the beginning and is the one person who helped me move on to accepting myself.

Today is father's day and I am happy for everyone who has a good relationship with their father. Unfortunately, my biological father is pretty much a disgusting human being. Even though I am not legally his daughter, he will forever be my biological father and that sucks. I am very jealous of Emmitt. His father is a great man and a spectacular father. I see so much of him in Emmitt and I honestly can't wait to see him with our kids when we have them. His dad has taught him so much and introduced him to his true love: fishing. They have a great bond and I'm excited to see the bond my kiddos will get with their father. I know they'll have a great one.

For the past few years I've called today "Dad's Day" and I'm going to again this year. Any man with a child is  a father, that takes no more than a few minutes of work. A dad puts work into his relationship with his child/children. He takes you to get ice cream when you're sad..he helps you buy your first car..he's there to crack jokes when you're in a bad mood...Doug is my dad. He's so much more than a father and I feel so lucky. I know my mom wishes things were different sometimes but I wouldn't change any of the bad times before we found Doug because without them, we might not have found him. 

Doug is not just my dad. He's one of my best friends. Even though he's four hours away, I'm glad he's so close. I may not be so lucky much longer. My parents are my world and I know no matter the distance, we'll still keep our great relationships. Without my mom, we would never have Doug so to both my parents and to all of you: Happy Dad's Day.